This site is the cat’s pajamas

Here I Am Again

All I do is make people angry.  I have to give up Facebook because I can’t do Facebook without making people angry.  I’m a joke, the only thing I want to do in life and it’s impossible for me to do, just to make someone happy.


I’m such an awful waste of skin.


I’m reminded yet again that I don’t count.  The majority of people in my state believe that my ballot last November shouldn’t have counted.  So I’ve found yet another way in which I am an inferior human being.  I wish I could change the rules, but I can’t. The rules are that I’m an inferior human being, and therefore don’t get to say and do things that other people get to say and do.


I had an insight just now after reading something a friend wrote.

I almost wrote this on my friends-only blog, but so many of my friends are triggered by religion that I realised posting this would be hurtful to them.

It strikes me that I used to have someone I could tell anything, no matter my the state of my social life, but I lost that person by not really believing in him anymore.  Yeah, oblique reference to prayer for the win.

It does strike me how much prayer used to be a big part of my life, and a lot of that was about having a belief that someone was always there for me.  And yeah, I do feel more alone in the world now, and my worldview is starker and colder at times.

A Good Deed

In church I was taught that if you did something good, you weren’t supposed to tell anyone, because that would make yourself look good.  And though I don’t belong to the Church anymore, I still can’t bring myself to tell anyone about a good thing I do for that same fear.
Yesterday I provided a homeless woman bus fare and a water bottle full of ice water and a listening ear and some company.  I wish I could have done more, but I was tired of not doing anything, other than when I try to give out bananas and granola bars.

No-one to bring to the awards ceremony

I just won a big scholarship from my college.  I’m very grateful.  However, there is an awards ceremony, and I have no-one to bring to it.  And if I’m allowed, I’d rather skip out on the ceremony.  I know I got the scholarship, that’s all that matters.  Ceremonies like that are to share with loved ones, and I have none.


Things I can’t say anywhere

These are things I’m not allowed to say anywhere:

I’m in favour of strict gun control.

I deeply fear that our species will be extinct soon, but that we can save ourselves from doom if we all work really really hard for a really really long time.

The main thing I hate is hate.  Everyone is equal.  Everyone deserves love.

I am not the kind of person who can be deeply loved.  I want so deeply to love, but I have the wrong kind of personality for someone to want to really love me.  I’m trying to see about getting a dog.


I’m struggling a bit with the realisation that this is the only place I can share what’s closest to my heart, and telling people things I shouldn’t.  It’s very important to give people what they want if they are going to be in your life at all.  And I need people in my life, they just don’t need the deep part of me in their life.  So I will give them just the parts they want and not force on them the parts they hate.  It’s going to take some time and discipline to get me to express my deepest parts here (and to my therapist), and not to anyone else.  But if I’m not going to scare the people out of my life, AND be able to have some safe space in my life so I don’t go insane bottling everything up, this is what I must do.

I’m thinking.  I’m thinking of who I’m writing this to, the imaginary person who might one day read this.  I imagine that she’s a woman in her 50s, probably Canadian, who would think me charming if we met face-to-face.  Women of a certain age think I’m a nice person.  But they have husbands and lives.

Once your friends couple up, you will not see them again except on special occasions.  You will not hang out with them, because, of necessity, you will be a lot less important to them.  This is simply how it is.

Message Boards

I just joined a couple of message boards.  I’m hoping that I make some good online friends there.  I make good friends with folks as long as they don’t meet me face-to-face.  My closest friends I’ve never met because they live too far away.

If this were about attention, then I would reveal my identity.  I would let people who know me know about the blog.  Or I would do something so that people could communicate with me.  I just need to talk at a wall–but a wall with ears.

And I’m hardly suicidal or anything.  I don’t want to get to that point.  And that means maintaining my mental health.  And that means having a safe space to share my heart.   And if I can’t do that with the people in my life (except the ones my insurance pays for), then I have to create a space for myself.